Eye wood lather...

I would rather
 survive a nuclear war only to become the podiatrist to a race of mutants, or
 smell the cheese?
I would rather
 be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour, or
 have your eyes glued shut for a day?
I would rather
 be forced to preface everything you say with the phrase "Tuck it in" under threat of being slapped, or
 have a magnetic head?
I would rather
 be born with a refrigerator on your back, or
 have an elephant as a close, personal friend?
Would you rather
 have 15 nails hammered into your tongue, or
 have your saliva permanently transmuted to urine?
I would rather
 have needles for leg hair, or
 have flares shoot out of your nose every time you say the word "the" (ouch).
I would rather
 have eyes that always smile, or
 or a voice that makes people calm?
I would rather
 be able to fly, or
 have the ability to read people's minds?
I would rather
 lose your keys three days in a row, or
 have your dog eat your birthday cake?
I would rather
 have the power of invisibility, or
 be able to produce sparks from your fingertips?
I would rather
 be able to fortell the future, or
 have all the money you will every need?
I would rather
 be able to stop time while you slept, or
 never need to do laundry?
I would rather
 be able to bring about a lasting world peace, or
 eliminate all hunger and disease?

The Ugly, Murderous Duckling

A long time ago, in a galaxy much like this one actually, there was a duck.

This duck was ugly.  

In fact, the duck (who police later learned its name was Carlos) was so ugly, that all the woodland creatures who looked upon its grotesque face were disgusted - having no choice but to run away in sheer terror.

Carlos had a very rough childhood, rejection being his closest acquaintance.  His mother nor his brothers or sisters could bear looking upon his face, so he fled in shame - deep into the forest.  Here the shame and rejection built up in the ugly duckling to the point of raw malice - which he took out on all the creatures in the forest.  Chipmunks were found beheaded and partially eaten, squirrels were found armless, legless and tailess on the sides of the roads, telling of a monstrous beast who tore through the forest in a revenging rage.

The authorities could not locate Carlos until 6 days into his murderous frenzy - in which he had claimed the lives of 8 woodland creatures, Bambie, and even an unknown farmer.  We think his name was Pete.

Up till now, Carlos had been under the watchful eye of the police, restricted to any activity other than sleeping for fear of him escaping and eating another dozen innocent victims.  However, a visit from Carlos' family yesterday seemed to provide an alternative to this deadly solution - plastic surgery to correct Carlos' frightful face.  As far as we know it, the surgery was a success.  Carlos was allowed to leave the jail after promising to not eat any more people.  What did it was the inclusion of Carlos back into the family, which raised spirits all around and made me cry a little.

It was quite the scene.  

Happy endings are simply wonderful.

Except for farmer Pete (the funeral is on Saturday).

You shnews you lews, you jews with bews that have flews

Bias
Just yesterday, a student at school was permenently injured due to a shove from another student.  Sources say that "The altercation was obviously meant to bring physical harm to the student.  Apparently, the one who caused the accident, student X we will call him, attempted to break both arms of the other student, student Y."  The accident proved quite disastrous - breaking the right shoulder of student Y cleanly and fracturing 3 ribs.  Upon questioning of student X, he reported that he "in no way intended such damage", but an eye-witness - the students brother - recalls the event with a contrasting account, saying "the shove was obviously intentional, it's a wonder that the student is still living at all."


Unbias
An accident occured at the school just yesterday involving two students.  One student accidentally shoved the other into a pillar in the multipurpose room which knocked his breath out and hurt his shoulder.  After a trip to the x-ray to see the extent of the damage, the doctors verifyed that the student had a small fracture in his shoulder, and perhaps cracked his rib - but was in no life-threatening danger.  Eyewitnesses say that the event was an "obvious accident", and the student will "be up in no time".